Well it’s that time of year again. We’ve said a tumultuous goodbye to our deck weather, hid away our barbecues and we’ve put away our cute tops and sandals…Oh so many sandals… Have I mentioned I’m gay? My wife’s and my shoe closet looks like a blowout sale from a sporting goods store. Not a single pair or stilettos in the mix but we have many sandals and slip on sneakers and flats that are very comfortable and sensible that we now must store away in the depths of our closets until they inevitably wind up in Narnia where goat boy always stretches out my best runners… I can’t be sure without hard evidence of course but this is what I theorize goes on back there in the long months of winter. I have stockpiled a year’s worth of empty wine bottles to clatter away in my closet alluding to his location should the need ever arise. Sometimes I wonder, “Am I crazy?” But then my house hippo Marcus assures me everything’s cool, and could I please be more generous with my peanut butter toast crumbs.
The Yearly Changing of the Fashion guards every year I literally transform from a semi fit lass in a cool rock T in to an old lady with over sized ugly sweaters, fleece pants and the ugliest socks and slippers you can find as they are often the warmest (and yes I wear them simultaneously) In the summer when I go out, I feel like “Hey, I look kinda cute” but in the winter it’s more like “Hey, I look kinda homeless”. I can often be found in the winter time moping around (as I miss the summer) flopping around in old dirty slippers, fleece pants that are far too large and one of 3 selected “best hoodies” to which I rotate. My cute fitted jacket turns in to a cream colored puff monster that I’m pretty sure I saw a granny wear last year. It was a gift, it’s warm and I don’t care. It’s like for me, being perpetually cold, as one is in Nova Scotia, becomes an excuse to be ugly. I don’t want to do my hair, I wear a tuque and say “f*c* it”
Perpetually Frightening Hair each winter as women we face an ailment that most men many not be made aware of: Winter frizz and blah hair. It’s a terrible winter affliction that dries out our hair leaving it with a less than lustrous shine. It’s gets tangled, it splits and gets just out of control frizzy. Each hair color has its downfalls. Black haired lasses: You can expect to stock up on your Head & Shoulders as per usual, Red heads, break out the expensive conditioners, go all out with anti frizz serum and blondes, well blondes have it the worst because they not only get dry brittle hair but they get the dreaded “fly a ways” and static that will hold an entire sock to your head no strings or clips necessary. You girls: you need A LOT of product. Look for heavier based creams, Moroccan oil and argon oil, leave in conditioners and pomades.
Peek a Boo sock this ONLY occurs during the winter months where boots are required to get from point A to point B and ever since I was a kid, I’ve had this thing where if I take off my boot and my sock stays inside said boot leaving my foot exposed to potential cold wet snow on the floor, well, lookout! I go mad. My wife witnessed me just this evening as I hopped around on one foot trying to rescue my kidnapped sock while my exposed foot, getting colder by the second searched frantically for a warm dry surface! It was most harrowing, this prompted a 10 minute “I hate winter” rant which then in turn inspired this article.
Ice Cold Toilet Seat first thing in the morning you have to pee, it’s a natural, well known fact. Do you ever find yourselves holding out just a little longer in bed than you should simply because it is going to be A) “Cold out there” or B) My sphincter’s going to propel itself right up through my mid section the minute I set my warm bum on that miserably cold bastard of a toilet seat. I fear it in the morning, like ACTUALLY fear it. I then scream like a girl, do my business and get the hell out, unless the seat becomes warm in that case, I may just stay awhile and play an extra turn on Words with Friends.
Wanting Comfort Food thanks to our genetic makeup, our bodies are designed to want to stock up on heavy hearty foods in the winter. Our ancestors did it. They also slept on hay and pooped outside (I shudder to think how cold that was) Today we have heat, in fact, we’ve had heat for quite some time and food has been readily available to us since… well since whenever our parents stopped having to eat goat heads and the likes for dinner so why does this trait continue? What do we need to bulk up for a heavy 5 months or so of sitting on a couch with a blanket with the heat on, gorging on meatloaves, big stews, shepherd’s pie and Oreos (how jealous our ancestors would be)? This “wanting of food” always causes us ladies (and sometimes you men) to gain weight which creates a whole other reason for hating winter.
I’m going to get Fat Because we hate being cold and it gets dark out so soon, it makes it perfect weather for reading, watching movies, playing video games, cooking nice meals and just all out being lazy. Then you throw Christmas in the mix and suddenly we’re 12 lbs heavier, sad and questioning that last pie you ate (you at the whole pie- you know you did) while standing in line to return the now “too small” jeans you got for Christmas.
Taking your dog out to pee in the snow Sure, they love it, they run through it, bound through it, roll in it wag their tails all over it and make art in it. You on the other hand are bundled up to the point where you could pass for an Arctic ninja (if that exists- I mean, is there a big demand for ninjas up there? I digress) while you painfully wait for your dog to do her business so that you may return to the warm blanket, heat and that meatloaf…
So readers, take care out there this winter, I have a feeling it’s going to be a cold one (if not particularly bothersome) for the east coast. Be prepared, stay alert and act responsibly.
Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Live Graciously,
Frizzy Hair (and also great tips on dealing with that mess) http://livesofstyle.com/thelastword/?p=6314
Winter pie chart http://psms29.com/cgi/winter-hate
Canadian Archaeology https://www.pinterest.com/pin/129408189264885337/
Things I love about winter http://psms29.com/cgi/winter-hate
“Fu*k You Winter” http://www.frontiernet.net/~elburro/winter.html