Holding on to Hope

  The past few months I have felt like Alice tumbling recklessly down the rabbit hole in Wonderland desperately trying to grasp a root to keep myself from hitting rock bottom.

My (now Ex) wife surprised me with applying for divorce in July roughly a week or so after my fortieth birthday and my life hasn’t been the same since.  

I have a crippling disease loosely termed “Fibromyalgia” what I have is Myalgic Encephalopathy and Chronic Fatigue with Immune Dysfunction commonly referred to as “ME/CFIDS” Essentially what it does is it causes swelling in the brain stem and spinal cord; the inflammation is quite painful and because of that pain it increases my fatigue as my body desperately and in effectively tries to battle the pain.  This in turn causes devastating levels of depression.  I know we all get depressed at times but this is “can’t get out of bed, I want to die” depression.

Things that you may take for granted like taking a shower, I sometimes find as dreadful as the prospect of mountain climbing.  Who knew one could get so exhausted from simply cleaning your own body and washing your hair that you actually need to lie down afterward?  It happens.

I fall asleep uncontrollably several times a day, making it (although I have no access to a vehicle anymore) difficult to even trust myself to drive.  I once fell asleep on the kitchen floor while doing dishes, towel still in my hand.

The pain levels vary from day to day but when it rains (and luckily <Insert sarcasm here>) I live in one of the rainiest provinces in Canada, Nova Scotia.  My pain levels can go as high as 9 or 10, often resulting in loss of mobility, motivation to engage socially and in extreme cases, vomiting.  I don’t tend to even eat on those days because A) I can’t stand there and prepare food and B) I just don’t want it to come up again.

When my wife and I spilt she chose the option of giving me one lump sum of cash to get me out of her life quickly to relieve her own guilt.  I took the sum as I had to have the money to set up a new life somewhere else.  I was also stupid and lonely enough to go back to the dating scene not too long after we split.  The only reason I think I did this was to prove to myself that A) Someone could still like me and find me attractive B) Someone could like me despite having a chronic illness and possibly C) to make my wife a little jealous in hopes she would take me back.  It was stupid.  I ended up with a girl who was not only completely selfish but borrowed money from me constantly, then quickly picked up and moved back to the States when she knew I was running out of money.  Her final blow was disconnecting the power on me so I had to find the money (from a friend) to pay off an 8 year old bill to get it hooked back up and am now also desperately trying to scrape together the $150 deposit they want within 30 days.

I have applied for the disability portion of Social Assistance but their regulations say that when someone receives a large sum of money one does not qualify for one year from receipt of said money unless I have receipts to support virtually every dollar I’ve spent.  Which of course, not realizing I should have kept everything (I kept some but not enough apparently) It looks like I won’t qualify for assistance for another 7 months.  

My ex girlfriend (the vampire) was diagnosed with MS and had no health coverage. She was barely getting by.  I started helping her financially back in September running up my line of credit in the process, I continued to help her until we broke up and I applied for assistance.  What’s awesome is that by me helping her, I ended up screwing myself.  So now I find myself in a situation where I don’t know how I will pay rent; I have since gotten another roommate which helps but he’s a pensioner, there’s only so much he can do and only so much I’d expect of him. 

I haven’t worked in four years.  I fall asleep literally every few hours.  I have degenerative disc disease from an old injury and untreated scoliosis as a teen so I can’t sit or stand for long periods of time.  What the hell am I supposed to do?

The best part is a large part of my support system has up and abandoned me.  They either find my situation too complicated, have their own judgements about me or think I need to be doing this or that; all I needed was your support and encouragement.  Thanks for leaving me.

So now I find myself spending my days in bed watching mindless Investigative reports on plane crashes which ironically remind me of my life.  One giant plane crash, one lonely survivor to tell the tale.  What went wrong, how did it crash?  Am I a horrible person?

I turn 41 this year, I have a dog, some cheap second hand furniture, no job, no home of my own, no family, no energy and I am slowly losing hope.

How do I keep my hope when my future is so uncertain and seemingly bleak?  

I’m throwing myself back in to my faith.  I’m leaning on God.  I read scripture and pray often for strength, for a chance, for hope.   

 

I regret my absence from writing as of late.  It’s been hard putting things in perspective and relaying my thoughts.  One of my symptoms is cognitive issues which if you read some of my earlier work may explain why I frequently jumped from topic to topic.

The one positive thing that has happened to me is being published.  I was published in HorrorAddicts.net ‘s Anthology titled “The Horror Addicts’ Guide to Life”; sure it wasn’t a paid gig but I am now in print in a book, it’s publicized heavily getting my name out there which has been one of my childhood dreams.

You can buy the book here: http://www.amazon.ca/Horror-Addicts-Guide-Life-Emerian/dp/1508772525/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1429652253&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Horror+Addicts+Guide+to+Life

I just need to get through this, I just need to keep my head above water to prevent myself from drowning in this never ending abyss.  I need to believe I can do this.  I need hope.

Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Live Graciously, 

Sparky

  
Images Courtesy of:
Sad Woman http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/agree-terms.php

“Faith Text” http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/agree-terms.php?id=10067886

Hand with Butterflies http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/agree-terms.php?id=10019997

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About SparkyLeeGeek

I'm a cheesy broad with a good sense of humor. I'm also a self professed geek, dog lover, Whovian and music snob. I have earned money by painting, I've worked in call centers, with dogs and in the fitness industry. I also write for Bubblews http://www.bubblews.com/account/165359-sparkylee74 and I have 2 separate blogs on Blogger: "My Whovian Take" a blog dedicated to Doctor Who and "Life in Fog Goggles" a blog dedicated to daily life and living with Fibromyalgia and CFIDS. I will be featured in an upcoming Anthology for HorrorAddicts.net titled "The Horror Addict's Guide to Life" My interests range from Doctor Who, dogs, and Science Fiction to Zombies, Humor and Astronomy. Creativity is my passion.
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2 Responses to Holding on to Hope

  1. kimberlybuck says:

    I enjoyed reading this post. Keep up the writing. I hope you get some publicity from your recent endeavor. I’m sorry about your struggles. Depression in combination with health issues is very hard and complicated to deal with. I make a little money from writing but I do it part time since I also work full time. I recommend checking out freedomwithwriting.com to see if you can get more paid work to help you out. Best of luck.

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