Colouring Outside the Lines

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A Bad Day

Over the past year I have l learned to be appalled at how people treat one another. People are selfish, viscous, dishonest and just plain cruel.

I have a chronic illness diagnosed as “Fibromyalgia” back in 2003 but new symptoms have arisen that has led me to question this diagnosis, (EDS and MS come to mind) My symptoms now include chronic severe daily pain in my legs, arms and joints, in addition to abdominal pain thanks to a storage shed of cysts planting themselves on my uterus, bowel and bladder. I do believe I now have narcolepsy and am pushing for a diagnosis. I find it hard to stand or sit for long periods of time so I have to lie down a lot confining myself to my bedroom. It’s a hell of a life. You also get to live like a human guinea pig as you try this drug and that, offering even

Big Pharma, Savior to all...

Big Pharma, Savior to all…

more painful side effects that in my body, were simply not welcome. I have gone on the medical marijuana path instead. (Which offers a whole new series of judgements best left to another article)

The thing that bothers me the most is how truly shitty people are about it. My wife basically kicked me out of the house for being such a “downer” all the time. Even her cold hearted mother who I had come to know as “Mum” wanted me out as my “crying annoyed her”, In addition my wife was clearly cheating openly on me. So I had to deal with a divorce, the assumption that I was not not worthy of love, that I was a burden, displacement, the loss of a dog I had grown extremely attached to; that I raised and trained, I also lost any and all trust and respect I had for my wife who promised to love me and be my rock. It was even her that proposed!

Bye Bye Friends

Bye Bye Friends

Next came the friends, falling one after another like a domino effect as they “assumed” I was just lazy and couldn’t be bothered to go out when in fact I am at home depressed, isolated and in pain barely able to hold my eyelids open, at this point I am slurring my speech and am about to drop and sleep wherever I may land. So sorry I interfered or spoiled anyone’s plans. My total bad. Then came the hurtful, hateful and unnecessary messages of those I once cared for and trusted.

You need help, no wait, you’re wait- you’re beyond help” said one friend of mine for 7 years (who I genuinely thought was a friend and cared) as I tried to explain I had been sick from going off ALL of my medications to begin new ones.

Screw you!

Screw you!

You’re just making excuses.” Says other friends. No, I’m sorry but my illness has about 70 faces and today, the face today is that I cannot walk. If not being able to walk is an “excuse” to you and not a cause for concern, you are indeed a shitty friend.

You’re selfish, go get a job bum!” Yes a friend ACTUALLY said this to me. Yes it’s so selfish of me to “want” to live in constant pain, not being able to eat the things I want and can’t afford, having no social life or the ability to maintain a job. Oh and since you’re full of opinions, being broke all the time is super fun as well. Excuse me for being selfish. Pardon me while I enjoy my soup for fucking dinner.

What in the hell is wrong with people? I’m so sick of dealing with being emotionally battered on almost a daily basis by those who I foolishly think love me. I’m tired of being the butt of jokes, I’m tired of people not being able to communicate like adults. It seems when there’s a lashing to give, I always manage to find myself at the other end of the lashing.

10 Things People Have Taught Me:

Only trust yourself. People will turn on you like rabid dogs when given the opportunity.

Protect your heart. If you’re sensitive like me, it’s probably a good idea to limit the number of people you have in your life because Lord knows you cannot please everyone all the time.

Don’t be quick to trust others. Keep yourself closed off, if they know your weaknesses they will use it against you the first chance they get.

Don’t bother taking the time out to “listen” to other people’s problems. Sure as shit, it’ll be crickets and tumble weeds when you need someone.

Never ask anyone for favors, they only complain about them when you’re not around.

Get a dog. They are far more loyal and loving than most people.

My dog ALWAYS loves me

My dog ALWAYS loves me

Don’t talk about your illness or else you will lose your crowd. No one wants to hear about your crippling pain so, just keep it to yourself.

Always wear a shit-eating grin. People (again) don’t want to know, see or sense that you are not well as this detracts from what they want to talk about.

Save your compassion and kindness for stray cats, dogs and birds that have inadvertently fallen from their nests. Surprisingly people tend to forget that you were ever kind or compassionate or even possess a heart for that matter.

Hey! Origami!

Hey! Origami!

Invest money in hobbies, you will need something to do as you sit home night after night isolated and alone in the nightmare that seems to be Fibromyalgia (ATM) I taught myself to knit, draw, paint, Origami and to play the guitar.

Love yourself, often, others don’t so you need love somewhere. (I am lucky to have a girlfriend who is learning the ropes of being with someone chronically ill, I really hope she sticks around).

Are you tired of people too? Do they drain you physically and mentally? Is it wrong that I want to fill my house with animals, move to the mountains where I will wear men’s shoes and hunt off the land never to be bothered with people/society again?

My Messages to People out There:

Stop being assholes. Until you walk a mile in someone’s shoes, you have NO CLUE as to what someone may be going through.

Call or text once in a while to let us know you care. Don’t wait for us because we’ll just think we’re bothering you.

Get your head out of your damn arses. There is more to the world than your little drama bubble of YOU.

Be kind, Karma is a bitch. The last person that yelled at me calling me lazy and “faking an illness” hasn’t worked in four years as she battles a mental disorder. How does that karma taste? Would you like some salt to make your bitter more palatable?

The truth is this, I wouldn’t wish this illness upon my worst enemy, even the skank that broke up my marriage or my cold and callous ex wife. It’s miserable, never ending, draining, throbbing pain that sometimes is bad enough to cause vomiting. My joints dislocate, the discs in my back are degenerated, I’m swollen every day from food allergies or inflammation, I have to look at the same four walls every single day (I am literally almost mad. Like Jack Nicholson in the Shining mad). Everything I planned to do had to go on hold for a while while I recovered;  my writing has really suffered because depression makes it hard to write lest you come off like a drunken and angry Sylvia Plath, and the brain fog makes me come across as a mildly challenged child with ADHD who can’t get her thoughts together in a clear, concise and readable fashion. It’s like colouring outside the lines for me and that is simply unacceptable.

The truth is, the older and sicker I get, the less time I have for bullshit. It’s pretty simple, treat others as you would in turn like to be treated. Have people totally forgotten and abandoned that golden rule?? If you’re kind to me, I will never forget it and spend my life telling you how appreciative I truly am, on the other hand, if you treat me like shit, expect it back in spades. (And I have collected A LOT of shovels over the years.)

Just be kind to and respect one another, what’s so damn hard about that?
Late night rambles from a sleepless mind…

Live Humbly, Be Charitable, Live Graciously,

Sparky

Be Kind

Be Kind

IMAGES/SOURCES

“Smiling Friends” by stockimages freedigitalphotos.net
“Medicine Tablets” by holohololand freedigitalphotos.net
“Sick Woman with Cup of Tea” by Marin freedigitalphotos.net
“Female Hand Showing Middle Finger” by stockimages freedigitalphotos.net
“Excluded From Group 3d Character Shows Bullying” by Stuart Miles freedigitalphotos.net
“Feather Pen And Paper Bird Flying” Stock Photo freedigitalphotos.net
“Fancy Butterfly Isolated On White” by panuruangjan freedigitalphotos.net
My Dog Lucy & I mine

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About SparkyLeeGeek

I'm a cheesy broad with a good sense of humor. I'm also a self professed geek, dog lover, Whovian and music snob. I have earned money by painting, I've worked in call centers, with dogs and in the fitness industry. I also write for Bubblews http://www.bubblews.com/account/165359-sparkylee74 and I have 2 separate blogs on Blogger: "My Whovian Take" a blog dedicated to Doctor Who and "Life in Fog Goggles" a blog dedicated to daily life and living with Fibromyalgia and CFIDS. I will be featured in an upcoming Anthology for HorrorAddicts.net titled "The Horror Addict's Guide to Life" My interests range from Doctor Who, dogs, and Science Fiction to Zombies, Humor and Astronomy. Creativity is my passion.
This entry was posted in Advice, broken hearts, CFS, Chronic Illness, Coping, Fibromyalgia, Friendship, Health and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Colouring Outside the Lines

  1. You tell love… in the end we all have to help ourselves… IAM not sure what sort of diet you have but I did a lot of research when my husband was diagnosed with Diabetes and found the underlying cause of most dis-eases of the body… is inflammation caused an unbalanced glucose level. I completely cut out all white processed foods and went on a low carb diet eating good fats and oils, protein. Within 2 weeks Toms glucose level + blood pressure came back to normal. I also put my mum on the diet when she visited me for a month (who suffers from everything including fibromyalgia) and she felt much better, more energy and less pain… Unfortunately she wasn’t able to continue with this regime but she’s coming back next month for a top up of loving care…
    You can read my full post where i share interesting links herehttps://memymagnificentself.wordpress.com/2014/12/01/and-the-secret-is-out-a-healthy-body-mind-and-spirit/ Hope this helps and take good care of yourself… I care Barbara x

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